On being single

or "single"

Dan and I are going through some drama concerning a decades-long friend of his who has been in poor health for a long time and is currently in hospice care. He was being cared for in-home but had a crisis and had to be admitted to acute care. And now the hospital is unwilling to release him to back to home unless he has 24 hour supervision. This is understandably distressing for him, because...he has no one who can do that for him. He's blown up every family connection and every capable friend with his drama antics, unregulated emotional outbursts, and general inability to be a stable person. He's alone, and the system isn't set up to be kind to people who are alone.

And we don't know what we can do for him. Because when you are old and frail and fighting the world....you should make sure you have two or three generations of family holding you up. Who else will do that for you? It's also making Dan and me take seriously what kind of commitment we've made to each other, and who will be there for the other at the end.

"My family doesn't respect my pronouns and doesn't affirm me." Stow it. Unless you make yourself unbearably insufferable they will be there for you in extremis when no one else will be. Because they are your blood and blood trumps a lot of irrelevant bullshit. “We’re your family now.” Oh just try that out when you’ve been revived from an unsuccessful suicide attempt and someone has to vouch for watching over you so you can be released.

Your “family” is blood and whoever you’ve had the presence of mind to sign on to be responsible for end of life care. You’d be surprised how many people who called you ‘family’ don’t want to be there for the ass-wiping, dementia-coping, chemo-brained part of your life that comes at the bitter end. I know I don’t want to be alone, and I’m gathering my loved ones close.